Things I Do For You

It’s Monday, dawn. I can’t fall asleep thinking of the things that I might have said when we were talking. What would possibly happen if I told you that I, a 22-year old content manager, have already made up my mind to settle down at the age of 27?

I know, I know. I’m young and my family still has a financial crisis – my brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and my mom’s ma is now on meds. Yes, I am still a child in the eyes of many. I’m a neophyte in this vile, crazy world. But I’ve seen more than half of the things that I have to see. I know what poverty is – the result of failed knowledge in learning what the future has for you. I know what having a family is – knowing that you can never be alone in this world. Like what I am feeling right now. I know most of the things that I need to know, as I have already seen them in my experience, if not, in my friends’.

Earlier, my friends and I had a little reunion to celebrate our birthday – S, B, and I. Not all of us could attend, primarily because of a conflicting schedule or issues at home that we shouldn’t talk about. So, D came with her husband and her little Claudio – a 2-year-old little guy who loves truck more than any other toys. Looking at their small family, I saw what real happiness is. The exact meaning of being complete is in front of my eyes, two human beings with their little babe. Now I know how genuine their smiles are when looking at their photos. And that’s when I realized that I want that. I want that for myself, too, before I turn 30.

I was about to say what I feel and lay my ideas, or should I say my “plans”  for you… for us. I was thinking of the right words to express how I want to settle down with you. I want to start building the foundation of our future right now. I know things are still complicated with our own families but I am ready to explain how I am willing to wait as long as there is an assurance that you’re with me, as we take the first step in writing a brand new chapter in our life as one. I am not asking you to get me pregnant right now, for god’s sake. All I want is to guarantee that we’re on the same track. It’s like signing  a contract if you would like to take it that way.

But while we were talking about our own day, I saw how you’re not yet ready. It gave me an idea that we’re on a different ride here. There I was, thinking about my our life, 5 years from now. And there you are, bothered at the thought that your parents would not let you drive the crosswind. Are we on the same page here? I think not. I think it is not right to cross that bridge yet with you, still hanging on that side.

So even if I’d love to move on and explore the beautiful thing we are that may encounter in this life together, I chose to stay and do things that I used to do. Who am I anyway? I’m just a sad, pathetic, dreamer who couldn’t care less about her own self. So that my dear, is how I began to know what sacrificing is. That’s what I did for you.

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