Letter to A

Words are not enough to express my regret about the things that we talked about last weekend. Although it was you who brought it up and made me spill it, my remorse is still towards myself.

I always knew that you were not ready to face the idea of us settling down anytime soon. I know that our initiative in building our “own” future don’t meet like the way I always fantasize it. I didn’t mean to take a step ahead of you. I have to admit that it never occurred to me.

I know you’re not ready to embrace the responsibilities of a family man. Heck, you’re not even capable of handling me when my temper fails us I am insane. I am crazy. I know that you still want more for yourself. Your own big bike, your own car, a brand new airsoft, or collectibles of Star Wars or DC memoirs. I know that in your mind, the idea of us is still far from getting near. I know that, honey. I can see it through your eyes.

No matter how many times you say that you care for me, I know what lies underneath. Even if you say that I am your priority, there’s still something more important. Please, admit that that category where I am the first is the least among your essentials in life. I know you don’t need me. And the only one holding our relationship together is me.

To be honest, I have no idea why I still stay. Maybe Paulo Coelho is wrong, that “Love simply is” is not. I am trying my best for you to see that you can let me in. I want you to feel that will never leave you. I will always care for you. I can be the servant of that stupid-pumping vital in your chest. I’m not like the others. I love you.

But do you feel the same way, too? You don’t. I am sorry for not being beautiful enough. It’s my fault that I can’t be the first thing that you can think of in the morning. I’m sorry that the stars don’t shine in my eyes for you to hold me. I’m sorry that you think I can’t hold your universe in my fat, manly hand. I’m sorry that I can’t be enough for you.

I always try my best. I really do. But knowing that you are still afraid to build a future with me made me realize that I should stop this nonsense and should probably go with the flow.

“Kino-control mo buhay ko,” you said cold-heartedly.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know that caring for your future (not ours) means controlling you. From now on, I promise to agree on anything. Let me care less.

I, *you may call me luna* hereby announce that I will care less in any of your actions. I will honor your statement. I will do my best to step back and prioritize your own demands. Because my rights is far less from being important. What you want will be just and should not be abided. Because I am the lowest of the low, and one of the stupidest shit in this world.

 

Putanginang buhay to, I said to myself.

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