Letters to A

Letter to A

Words are not enough to express my regret about the things that we talked about last weekend. Although it was you who brought it up and made me spill it, my remorse is still towards myself.

I always knew that you were not ready to face the idea of us settling down anytime soon. I know that our initiative in building our “own” future don’t meet like the way I always fantasize it. I didn’t mean to take a step ahead of you. I have to admit that it never occurred to me.

I know you’re not ready to embrace the responsibilities of a family man. Heck, you’re not even capable of handling me when my temper fails us I am insane. I am crazy. I know that you still want more for yourself. Your own big bike, your own car, a brand new airsoft, or collectibles of Star Wars or DC memoirs. I know that in your mind, the idea of us is still far from getting near. I know that, honey. I can see it through your eyes.

No matter how many times you say that you care for me, I know what lies underneath. Even if you say that I am your priority, there’s still something more important. Please, admit that that category where I am the first is the least among your essentials in life. I know you don’t need me. And the only one holding our relationship together is me.

To be honest, I have no idea why I still stay. Maybe Paulo Coelho is wrong, that “Love simply is” is not. I am trying my best for you to see that you can let me in. I want you to feel that will never leave you. I will always care for you. I can be the servant of that stupid-pumping vital in your chest. I’m not like the others. I love you.

But do you feel the same way, too? You don’t. I am sorry for not being beautiful enough. It’s my fault that I can’t be the first thing that you can think of in the morning. I’m sorry that the stars don’t shine in my eyes for you to hold me. I’m sorry that you think I can’t hold your universe in my fat, manly hand. I’m sorry that I can’t be enough for you.

I always try my best. I really do. But knowing that you are still afraid to build a future with me made me realize that I should stop this nonsense and should probably go with the flow.

“Kino-control mo buhay ko,” you said cold-heartedly.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know that caring for your future (not ours) means controlling you. From now on, I promise to agree on anything. Let me care less.

I, *you may call me luna* hereby announce that I will care less in any of your actions. I will honor your statement. I will do my best to step back and prioritize your own demands. Because my rights is far less from being important. What you want will be just and should not be abided. Because I am the lowest of the low, and one of the stupidest shit in this world.

 

Putanginang buhay to, I said to myself.

Advertisements

Things I Do For You

It’s Monday, dawn. I can’t fall asleep thinking of the things that I might have said when we were talking. What would possibly happen if I told you that I, a 22-year old content manager, have already made up my mind to settle down at the age of 27?

I know, I know. I’m young and my family still has a financial crisis – my brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and my mom’s ma is now on meds. Yes, I am still a child in the eyes of many. I’m a neophyte in this vile, crazy world. But I’ve seen more than half of the things that I have to see. I know what poverty is – the result of failed knowledge in learning what the future has for you. I know what having a family is – knowing that you can never be alone in this world. Like what I am feeling right now. I know most of the things that I need to know, as I have already seen them in my experience, if not, in my friends’.

Earlier, my friends and I had a little reunion to celebrate our birthday – S, B, and I. Not all of us could attend, primarily because of a conflicting schedule or issues at home that we shouldn’t talk about. So, D came with her husband and her little Claudio – a 2-year-old little guy who loves truck more than any other toys. Looking at their small family, I saw what real happiness is. The exact meaning of being complete is in front of my eyes, two human beings with their little babe. Now I know how genuine their smiles are when looking at their photos. And that’s when I realized that I want that. I want that for myself, too, before I turn 30.

I was about to say what I feel and lay my ideas, or should I say my “plans”  for you… for us. I was thinking of the right words to express how I want to settle down with you. I want to start building the foundation of our future right now. I know things are still complicated with our own families but I am ready to explain how I am willing to wait as long as there is an assurance that you’re with me, as we take the first step in writing a brand new chapter in our life as one. I am not asking you to get me pregnant right now, for god’s sake. All I want is to guarantee that we’re on the same track. It’s like signing  a contract if you would like to take it that way.

But while we were talking about our own day, I saw how you’re not yet ready. It gave me an idea that we’re on a different ride here. There I was, thinking about my our life, 5 years from now. And there you are, bothered at the thought that your parents would not let you drive the crosswind. Are we on the same page here? I think not. I think it is not right to cross that bridge yet with you, still hanging on that side.

So even if I’d love to move on and explore the beautiful thing we are that may encounter in this life together, I chose to stay and do things that I used to do. Who am I anyway? I’m just a sad, pathetic, dreamer who couldn’t care less about her own self. So that my dear, is how I began to know what sacrificing is. That’s what I did for you.