Own Works

Letter to A

Words are not enough to express my regret about the things that we talked about last weekend. Although it was you who brought it up and made me spill it, my remorse is still towards myself.

I always knew that you were not ready to face the idea of us settling down anytime soon. I know that our initiative in building our “own” future don’t meet like the way I always fantasize it. I didn’t mean to take a step ahead of you. I have to admit that it never occurred to me.

I know you’re not ready to embrace the responsibilities of a family man. Heck, you’re not even capable of handling me when my temper fails us I am insane. I am crazy. I know that you still want more for yourself. Your own big bike, your own car, a brand new airsoft, or collectibles of Star Wars or DC memoirs. I know that in your mind, the idea of us is still far from getting near. I know that, honey. I can see it through your eyes.

No matter how many times you say that you care for me, I know what lies underneath. Even if you say that I am your priority, there’s still something more important. Please, admit that that category where I am the first is the least among your essentials in life. I know you don’t need me. And the only one holding our relationship together is me.

To be honest, I have no idea why I still stay. Maybe Paulo Coelho is wrong, that “Love simply is” is not. I am trying my best for you to see that you can let me in. I want you to feel that will never leave you. I will always care for you. I can be the servant of that stupid-pumping vital in your chest. I’m not like the others. I love you.

But do you feel the same way, too? You don’t. I am sorry for not being beautiful enough. It’s my fault that I can’t be the first thing that you can think of in the morning. I’m sorry that the stars don’t shine in my eyes for you to hold me. I’m sorry that you think I can’t hold your universe in my fat, manly hand. I’m sorry that I can’t be enough for you.

I always try my best. I really do. But knowing that you are still afraid to build a future with me made me realize that I should stop this nonsense and should probably go with the flow.

“Kino-control mo buhay ko,” you said cold-heartedly.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know that caring for your future (not ours) means controlling you. From now on, I promise to agree on anything. Let me care less.

I, *you may call me luna* hereby announce that I will care less in any of your actions. I will honor your statement. I will do my best to step back and prioritize your own demands. Because my rights is far less from being important. What you want will be just and should not be abided. Because I am the lowest of the low, and one of the stupidest shit in this world.

 

Putanginang buhay to, I said to myself.

To the best ones..

To the real best ones, my Mama and Daddy,

I love you. I hope you know how my heart would crush whenever I would leave home on Sundays to spend the rest of the weekdays at work. I miss spending time with you. And despite the arguing and inappropriate gestures, I hope you know how you mean to me. I owe you my life. So I will try my best to give you the everything that I know you’ve been wanted to have. I love you. I will always do.

 

Imported from my previous blog. Originally written last January 1, 2016

Things to remember by this 2016

  1. Enjoy life more by doing what you think is fun for you, no matter how boring it may be to others.
  2. Go out more often than the times you went out in 2015. Even if you’re just going to a nearby sari-sari store. Come on, you need some air and sunlight.
  3. Write. Even if it’s none sense, don’t stop writing.
  4. Admire poetry.
  5. Read more books.
  6. Go back to writing some love and encouraging notes for your better half. What happened in the past, should be better left in the past.
  7. Care less. Be less sensitive. It’s not always about you.
  8. Stalk less. Be satisfied and contented with what you have.
  9. Lessen your insecurities. It’s not easy to to eradicate the jealousy that you have in you. But pursue to lessen it until it’s gone.
  10. Appreciate every moments. Treasure every memories.

 

Imported from my previous blog. Originally written last December 31, 2015

K,

Hi K,

I hope you’re feeling good by the time you wake up in the morning for your work. I hope you don’t feel the kind of weariness that  stress has brought upon you. You are young, yes. But I am pretty sure that you do know your responsibilities, that’s why you’re doing what you are dealing with today. I am also pretty sure that you want to be happy and fulfill your needs, probably why you’re doing this, also.

I hope you don’t feel like you are alone because you are not. You have your best friend/s, friend/s, and when you can’t count on them, I am and will always be here for you no matter how busy and full my schedule is. I promise.

I know what we have right now is weird. Why wouldn’t it be? Months ago, I was cursing you to sleep. I was so insecure, and I envy you like I want to have what you have. I never thought you are a person with a pure heart, with a Jesus-like humility.

 

K, the moment you talked to me tonight after weeks of not communicating, I wish we could spend few more hours to have a conversation like normal friends, do. You told me how you were so bummed out at work, and I saw how you want to get over with it and start with something new. But then, I already saw you before getting excited (a bit), and how you were looking forward to this new job.

You need this to feed that lust in your soul to find yourself. Out of all people, I’m sure you need something like this because I want you to see and appreciate the beauty in your soul, how you and the splendid nature that we have right now would look good together. Trust me, I am already imagining your smile when you can run free with the waves of the sea, or your laughter whenever that breeze would blow your hair the way it blows the branches of the trees.

“This too shall pass,” I said. And I hope you will remember that. I don’t want you to push and stay right where you are when I am not sure if you are still strong enough to embrace the stress that hard work always brings. But one thing is for sure: You deserve to be happy. So no matter what your decision is, I will support you and trust that you will never be alone in your battles.

It may not look like much but I will always be here for you. Like the moon, I will try to lighten you up through your dark moments. I will never leave you. You just called me your friend, right? I hope you mean that.

Stay safe,

M

 

Imported from my previous blog. Originally written last December 29, 2015.